We start with another short story today.

Ram was a self-respecting man. He had just finished his education had got his first job in the big city of Delhi. Being from a humble background and having a firm conviction that he would stand on his own feet without help from anyone, he stayed a one room rented house which had modest furnishings. At this moment it was virtually a hand to mouth existence but he was sure that his future was promising. One evening as he returned home from work he found his room was burgled and even his meagre belongings were stolen. Few rupees that he had kept hidden under the newspaper in his cupboard for rainy day were gone. Ram was crestfallen. He had no money to get his dinner for the next day and salary day was more than two weeks away. He called two of his student day friends with whom he shared all his secrets. Rahul was the first to arrive. He belonged to an affluent family. Despite the stark difference in their backgrounds they were very good friends. Rahul heard everything patiently and was very concerned at the situation of his friend. By the time Ram finished narrating his ordeal Rahul took out a wad of notes from his pocket and kept on the table. Out of his concern, love and above all the right that he felt he had on Ram, he instructed Ram to take it and keep it. He also said since they are such good friends and Rahul had no dearth of money, there was no need for Ram to return it. It was so nice for Rahul to be concerned about his friend’s plight and extending a helping hand. But Ram became tense. He indeed required financial assistance at the moment. But the way it panned out, his self-respect was deeply hurt. He was a man of modest requirements and didn’t require so much money. And that also for keeps – it became like he was accepting a charity from someone. It was completely unacceptable to him. Despite the dire need of money he politely declined the money offered to him. It was sort of unexpected for Rahul, but he knew his friend well. After some time he left after repeating once again that in case ‘Ram needs any assistance he was just a call away’. Then came the second friend – Prem. He also came from a respected background. His both parents were teachers and the environment at his home was quite academic. Though he wasn’t rich, he was not even hand to mouth. As Ram finished the narration of the story, Prem held the hand of his friend in a very comforting way, slid few rupees in his hands and said, “I know you will require money at this time friend. I don’t want to do a favour on you by giving you something. But here’s a small amount just to take care of urgent needs. And mind you, this is just a loan which you can return whenever it is comfortable”. Ram’s eyes got moist at the concern showed by his friend. He was grateful. He not only accepted the money, he returned it to Prem within next two months. Matter was over and never discussed again between the friends, though it did bring both of them even closer.

I’m sure everybody can feel the difference in these two situations – why Rahul’s offer was declined and Prem’s accepted even though his was a smaller amount and that also as a loan.

These situations are endemic in our lives and keep repeating themselves over a period of time. To extend it further, after few years Ram got married and his dear wife was expecting their first child. But as luck would have it there were many complications. His wife had to be admitted to a hospital many times. All his medical insurance got exhausted in the process. On top of it at the time of delivery doctor suddenly announced that she required a caesarean operation. This meant immediate requirement of more money. Ram was at his wits end about how to organize it. Suddenly his elder brother dropped in. He was aware of his travails and financial situation. By this time brother was financially stable. As a matter of right being the elder brother, his love and own ability to spare the money, he immediately told his younger brother, ‘Prem, you need not worry about the hospital expenses and I shall settle the bill completely’. Once again Prem was torn and hurt. On one hand was the requirement of money and offer from his brother and on the other hand loss of pride that his first child didn’t come in this world with his money. He somehow managed to stay calm and rushed to his office. He narrated the situation to the HR –Head of his company and asked if a salary advance beyond his entitlement can be extended to him. Within an hour it was approved and Ram came to the hospital smiling with a cheque in his hand. His first child eventually arrived in this world from his hard earned money.

These situations may be imaginary, but we all pass through them in our lives – sometimes on one side of the fence and sometime on the other. Both the situations are challenging. In first case one has to swallow his pride to accept help and in the other one has to extend help without offending the pride of the seeker. Issue is how we fare in both the situations, how we handle the sensitivities and how do we achieve the objectives. And how do we behave once everything gets over. Does the seeker remembers it all the time and tries to become subservient to the helper? Does the helper remembers it and keeps reminding the same to the seeker every once in a while? Ideally speaking, this incident should never ever be discussed again or effect the conduct of any party in future.

Is the situation of seeking and extending help limited only to monetary issues? Not at all. It encompasses almost all aspects of our lives and can come at most unexpected times and situations. Issue is always how to seek and how to help. Both the seeker and helper have responsibilities. Seeker must accept the fact that at that moment he needs help and it doesn’t make him small in any way and the helper must know that while he has to extend help, it has to be done in a way that it doesn’t impact the self-respect of the seeker.

As I write now I can remember innumerable people who have extended help to me in my life with no expectations. And in almost all cases they have ensured that it remained just a gift of love. Right from the distant uncle whose home I treated like my own during my years in the hostel, my landlord old lady who took care of me when I was suffering with 104 degree fever, another Bengali motherly lady in whose house I was a paying guest and there was complete shut-down of Calcutta due to Bharat bandh who ensured vegetarian meals for me and ensured that I ate something, my friend who reached old Delhi railway station at midnight with his wife when all my luggage and money got stolen in the train, the Muslim man whose first floor house we broke into in his absence during the floods who on his return also ensured excellent hospitality for us. The list is endless. But in almost all cases this help was extended with utmost love and without making me feel small, then or later. There are few others though who had overbearing attitude and insisted on helping me while making it clear that it was a favour. I may not forget all genuine helpers, but I won’t even forget people who made me feel small.

There’s a different twist also in similar situations. Where a person may be going through a difficult patch, but still the situation is manageable. In this situation suddenly someone may appear and insist that he is your well-wisher, may be rightly so, and forces you to accept the help. To give an example, let’s imagine in the first story Ram had a burglary but still had adequate money in his account. He suffered a loss but it wasn’t something that he couldn’t sustain. In this situation Rahul insists that he accepts financial assistance. This is where the situation may become explosive.

In close knit societies when someone is ill or is in the hospital it is common for extended family and friends to visit the patient. There are times when these visits put the patient and the immediate family under serious distress. But sometimes we visit them not as a matter of concern or help to the patient but to tell everybody, including ourselves, the patient and outside world that ‘see we were so concerned that we took out time from our busy schedule to visit them’. This is despite the fact you caused havoc with the patient. We see these scenes often enough on television screens when our politicians visit patients in a hospital after some tragedy. Unfortunately, often people don’t distinguish between being genuinely concerned and showing that concern overtly. In these situations some time it may be better to visit and extend help and sometimes just to genuinely communicate that ‘we are there in case it is required, otherwise we won’t disturb’.

I have also seen some people with heightened sense of self-respect who are loath to accept a well-meaning help from anyone, even if it is the need of the hour, is essential and is available. Just to give couple of quick examples, we go back to the story of the birth of Ram’s first child. In this case financial help from his brother was readily available but he decided to take an advance from his office. There’s nothing wrong in doing that. But imagine a situation where the salary advance was declined and now Ram had no money. In the meanwhile situation of his wife deteriorated and they lost the child. This was an irreparable damage. In this case Ram could have easily told his brother that it is good he is paying but let it be a loan which he would return later on. But then, pride took over the better sense. Similarly, I have seen many proud people who want to be fully self-dependent, who won’t take any help from others. So I’ve seen a lady who was suffering from high fever, had no strength to get up from the bed but declined to accept a glass of water from anyone else, including her own husband. Wow!!! What a great self-respect, which eventually affects her adversely and also her well-wishers.

My Little Thought Of Life in this context is that we are all social beings. We all need help from others many times in our lives and we all need to extend it to others sometimes –  Here I made a slight difference in ‘many’ and ‘some’ because I believe that I have been helped by others far more than the help that I have ever extended to others and in this life people who have helped me would always remain more than who I have helped. As a seeker we must remember that we are all humans and we are all inter dependent. Taking help in no way makes us small. It is not even necessary to return the favours to the same person. One can always do it by being helpful to others. Seeking or accepting help only makes us humble and reminds us that that we remain humans with limited abilities. Helper on the other hand has much higher responsibility to shoulder. Situation places him on a higher pedestal at the time he is helping someone else. But it doesn’t make him superior in perpetuity. He may be a helper today, but he may become a seeker tomorrow and sometime from the same person he is helping today. So it is essential that he stays humble and ensures that the self-respect of the seeker is not adversely affected, he is not made to look small in his own eyes.

To my friends and readers I wish an ability to remember that we as humans are both the seekers and helpers and in both situations we need to accept the reality and conduct ourselves with grace and responsibility.