Couple of days back I was sitting at my office desk when I received a call from an unknown number. Normally I’d have avoided taking the call from an unknown person while I’m busy at work. But that day something made me take that call. On the other side was a person who was desperate for a job and had taken my reference from my school friends. I could ‘see’ the desperation, hope, expectation and urgency in his voice. Imagine the situation of a man, well known and of your own age, who would call you with reference of your decades old friends. It would have required immense courage to do that. This means that his circumstances must be dire. Obviously, first thing that happens in this situation is that the person loses his self-confidence, starts feeling low and becomes desperate. A complex situation becomes even tougher since the person loses his energy to fight the circumstances. Unfortunately for us human beings, this person who called me was not unique. We have all either been in this situation ourselves or we will be in it in future. At least I confess that I have seen desperate situations in my life.

 

Just less than a month ago I was stuck in a very difficult situation. There was a time bound activity that was to be completed and was very important. I could have cut some corners but that was against my own ethics. Price of failure to be paid by me was enormous. So were the gains. And every step that I was taking was sort of going against me. One of my close friends was working with me but we were hitting a dead end. Then I called another friend and explained my situation to him and all complications associated with it. This friend spoke to another acquaintance and finally got me in touch with him. The moment I spoke to him first thing that happened to me was that my agitated mind became absolutely calm. The voice of that person had an amazing effect on my mind. First, he understood my problem without any interruption. He then told me that I was not alone in situation and shouldn’t feel bad or ashamed about it and in a step by step way he gave me a way out. Gist was that all human beings are not bad and most people are reasonable and helpful if we share our concerns with them so I should go and meet the concerned senior person directly. After that he said you have enough confidence, credibility and ability that you can convince anyone. It was so amazing to see that he was proven right and I was able to solve my problem on my own and all along the entire system supported me, encouraged me and respected me for whatever I stood for.

 

This person did not help me in any way by solving the problem I was facing.  What he did was the following:

• Gave me a patient hearing and tried to understand my problem with full sincerity
• At no stage did he interrupt me while I was pouring out to him – the impression he gave me was that I was his only priority at that moment
• Never once did he tell me that I have done anything wrong, am needlessly worrying or being a jerk – he never made me feel small
• Then he told me that the problem is solvable – gave hope
• After that he said that most people in this world are reasonable – generated faith in humanity
• He said that best person to solve the problem was I myself – made me responsible for action and results and empowered me
• He then said that I have capability to do this – filled me with strength

Imagine that an unknown person, who I have never met in my life till date, had such an amazing influence on me that I could come out of a difficult situation on my own. No help given, no favours granted but by only giving a man some confidence, courage and a way forward to manage his own life’s situations better. I shall forever be grateful to this person. Not only because he gave me a way out of the situation that day, but because he gave me an invaluable life lesson. Indeed, he was the first person who I called when the problem was solved. And another life lesson he gave me was that most people never share their gratitude once the problem was solved, which in this case I had done. I have had only two conversations with this person in my life, both on phone, both of which I have narrated here and in both these conversations he gave me lessons for my life.

 

The reason I have narrated both these recent situations is to express that we as human beings go through difficult situations all the times. We have situations when we seek help and sometimes we extend help to others. As a seeker of help we don’t become incompetent, incapable and inferior. And as a person supporting someone else we don’t become James Bond, superior and powerful like God Almighty. It is a question of circumstances that has brought either of the above situations. Handling of both the situations successfully requires sensitivity, courage and understanding. Since the possible impact of such situations is very strong, it is better to be aware when we get in to such a thing ourselves and handle it in the best possible way. I shall therefore share some of the basic principles that I see are relevant in such situations.

 

First, let us speak about being a seeker of help. If anyone says that he can solve all his life problems on his own, I shall salute him for his courage, strength and self-respect. But deep down we all know that it is not true. Only our own ego will make us say so because as humans we need help from others sometime or the other. So the first step is to recognize when we find ourselves in a difficult situation, we see no way out, we are demoralized and are devoid of strength to handle the situation. The moment we realize this next logical step is to also realize that this world is not full of only bad people. There are many good souls who would show you a way out without expecting anything in return. Once you do that, identify that person. A person you trust, who would understand you without making fun of you and will have rational thinking unlike you – since your mind would be agitated and in turmoil. Doing this in no way makes you small. Never bring ego in between. Accepting that we are all humans with our weaknesses makes us humble and helps us when we seek help. While discussing the issue bring as many facts on the table as you can. Hiding facts will not give optimum solution. And keep your expectations realistic. Like if you are seeking a job from someone you should be aware that the jobs don’t grow on trees. Despite his best intentions the person may not be able to give you a job.  Ask for guidance about how to come out of the situation. May be he can tell you who to approach for a job, he can give temporary assignment, he can give some money to tide over, he guides you to start your own venture, he gives you an investment option, or just rekindles your own energy to get out of the situation on your own, etc. What I’m saying is that solution may not necessarily be a job but something better. Give your helper a room to play. Don’t expect miracles from him – after all he is also a human being like you yourself. The fact is that two people thinking of solution to a problem is better than one person thinking and it helps. If nothing else, unburdening yourself of the problem is also an act of relief. Having said that, if and when you come out of the difficult situation, which you will in any case, never forget to communicate the gratitude. If seeking help didn’t make you small, expressing gratitude will also not make you small. If at all, it will keep you humble and prepare you to help others better when the need arises. I have seen many times in our lives that when we succeed and do well, we take full credit for the outcome, whereas when we are in difficult situations we always find many people to blame. No success is possible without any support from others and no failure can be caused without our having any role in it. It is important to stay human.

 

Let’s now speak about the responsible role of being a guide. In my view this is a very responsible role which needs to be handled with extreme sensitivity and care. Few things are very clear in the first instance itself – the person who has approached you sees in you a person who can get him out of the situation and he has swallowed his pride and ego to share his problem with you. Which means he is so wounded within that apart from the problem that has hurt him he has taken another blow on himself by sharing it with you, telling you that in that moment at least he is the seeker and you a giver and he is willingly acknowledging the same.  It may be another matter that the seeker may have created the situation by own misguided actions, he may be someone more experienced and older than you, he may be completely foolish and wrong in the concerned matter etc. But nothing changes the reality of the moment that he is a seeker, he sees in you a person who can help and he has swallowed his self-respect to do so. All these facts must make you immediately understand that destiny has placed you in a very responsible situation at that moment.

 

These moments may arrive in your life at unexpected times like it happened with me with that phone call. The moment you realize that you are in such a situation your every gesture, word, action becomes important. While the way my helper conducted himself is in itself a comprehensive guide in how to manage such situations, I shall repeat it all over for greater clarity. First of all it is extremely important to communicate to a seeker that he is your first priority at that time, you are concerned about him, you are his well-wisher, will give the right solution, the situation in no way makes him an exception, inferior or small and that you will never misuse this privileged information that you now possess. Unfortunately, all this can’t be done by words alone. This needs a combination of attention, sincerity, compassionate but firm voice, a touch of hand, gesture or any other means. I have seen people using words like – first you make a mistake then come to me for guidance as if I’m some kind of superhuman; Look, unless you change your attitude no one can help you, not even God; What do you think, you will keep making mistakes and I’ll keep solving them for you; This is your problem, slightest of turmoil in life and you go crazy. Heavens are not to fall down if you fail; Are you a man? Go and cry elsewhere; I know you have made a mistake, but you have come to the right place. I shall bring you out of the situation; Why are you such a weak person, can’t you be strong?

 

As a guide and helper, it is not only essential that we try to change the situation of the seeker for better, but also ensure that his dignity and self-respect stays intact and in no way we make him feel small. After that we just need to follow the steps my guide used to bring me out of the difficult situation. Generate hope in seeker even in the most hopeless situations. This will calm down the seeker, his mental faculties will start working and he will start looking at solutions than the problems. Seeker is in the situation and he knows it the best. He also knows the best alternatives. Challenge is to make him think rationally and generate those alternatives on his own. Challenge is to make him believe that world is not there to chew him up, there are good people around. Challenge is to tell him that heavens will not fall down even if the worst happens. Challenge is to convince him that even if the worst happens, there’s a life beyond it, bright sun shine, bright future.  Once that happens there will be a flow of ideas and solutions and the seeker himself will be able to identify something most suited to him. Idea is to provide minimal material help but maximum moral strength to ensure the person is able to fight his circumstances without breaking down. This is like teaching a person how to fish rather than giving him a fish, teaching a person how to swim rather than carrying him ashore on your back.  Issue is to make him the ‘WINNER’ of his own situation and in his own eyes.

 

My Little Thought Of Life in this context is that we as human beings have weaknesses and are not in control of our destinies. We will have situations of weakness in our lives and we will have situations when we meet people in similar situation. In both cases we need to be aware. None of the situation makes us weak or strong. In both situations our response should be measured though as a guide and helper it is far more responsible situation. In either of the situation we need to create winners, whether ourselves or the seekers who come to us. Once happy days are back again, forget everything except the lessons.

 

To my friends and readers I wish strength and compassion to be a seeker if such a  need arises in life and be a guide and helper if someone in difficult situation approaches them.