Those were the days when apartment culture had not become popular in India. Middle class people in India used to live in stand-alone houses, which is common in relatively smaller towns even now. Many people used to let out a portion of their houses on rent, either a couple of rooms or one floor. Both tenant and the land lord used to live in very close contact with each other and usually were ‘more’ than neighbours for each other. I remember an acquaintance who got a new tenant, a bachelor. For months I used to hear a constant refrain that he is a ‘very good man’. He was always courteous with all elders, played with kids, came home on time and was a very good cook. But one day when I went there the lady of the house was fuming. I asked her the reason. The anger got an outlet and she started off. The man, a bachelor tenant, who she had thought was a very nice man was exactly the opposite. Her view had completely changed and she wanted the person to leave their house. After she calmed down slightly I gingerly asked her, but what has he done that he has become such a bad man now. She started speaking in whispers now, but still quite agitated – you know last Saturday he got his two more bachelor friends home, cooked chicken and they were all drinking till late in night. I thought that this man a good man, but you see he is a non-vegetarian and drinks. My impression has completely changed about him. I’d like him to leave this house very soon. One very good man had now suddenly turned into a bad man, courtesy few drinks and poor chicken.

 

This story has stayed with me as a lesson till now. How liberal we are in giving certificates of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ to people based on some of their qualities and our own perceptions about them. Not only this, we as human beings are quite well endowed to sit in the judgement of everybody around us except ourselves.

 

Today I’m writing to analyse the ‘nice man’. What is a ‘nice man’? Does he have some fixed set of qualities that make him nice? Is the absence of human deficiencies make him nice? Are these qualities same for all nice men? Do we really have nice men around us? Questions in my mind are many, and answers even more, that make the entire proposition quite confusing to me.  I shall use examples from our day to day life here to bring out this confusion in open.

 

We Indians are all too familiar with our ex-Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh. A huge majority may be with me when I say that he was a nice man. Indeed, he was well mannered, gentleman, polite, well attired, erudite, had impeccable integrity, proven track record as an economist and the list can go on and on. But what about his shortcomings? He could never assert himself as a PM in front of the first family or even supporting allies under the cover of coalition politics, there was massive corruption during his time, his knowledge was never put to use as an economist when under political pressure he converted India only to a welfare state, his own ministerial colleagues never took his leadership seriously and by the time he demitted the office Indian economy was firmly on the road to destruction. So where do we stand now? Is he still a nice man? Or now he becomes a proven bad man? There may not be a clear answer.

 

Remember the story of Robin Hood? He used to steal from the rich to distribute in poor. For rich and law enforcement agencies he would certainly be a bandit and violent person whereas for the poor who were benefitted by his largesse he would be a demi God. So, a nice man for many would be exactly opposite of it for many others.

 

We all watch movies. In many movies one person plays contrasting roles. Let us for a while remember Amitabh Bachchan’s movie ‘Shehenshah’. During the day he was a corrupt cop and at night he used to become Shehenshah who always fought evil and brought justice to people. What would we call such a person? Good or bad?

 

We had a neighbour. Let me give him a name – Narain. As the name suggests, he was a very pious person, used to pray twice a day, had no vices, was a regular government employee, non-corrupt and in his spare time was always involved in charitable work. But in the process he could never devote time to his family, his two sons, wife and old parents. Wife was always dissatisfied since he was never around for her & her requirements, sons could never get his guidance and eventually had no great education, skills or career. What would we say for Narain? Good man or bad? Tough answers indeed.

 

I had a friend in my childhood, Sandeep. His father was an ultimate gentleman. I never saw him getting angry at Sandeep – obviously, I was envious of him in those days. He was always ready to help others, courteous, non-confrontationist who always sought peace. Spending even few minutes with him gave us a sense of calm. But it also meant that everybody around him misused his goodness.  Workers took salary but didn’t do the work properly, siblings managed to get his substantial inheritance, wife had an affair with his own friend and my friend, his own son, eventually left his own father in utter disgust. Once again the definition of a good and bad man got muddled.

 

As I write this many instances from my life are rolling out in front of me like a film. I our neighbourhood we had an aggressive youth. He had his own business of construction. Nobody dare pick up an argument with him. In a flash he could lose control and make pulp out the person who dared him. He used to enjoy his evening drinks with friends and had many girlfriends.  In the opinion of all the neighbours he was a bad man but no one had guts to talk about it openly. On top of it he used to sport a huge handlebar moustache. Till one day, in our small town, there were violent demonstrations.  Property was burned, men killed and women raped. We were still young.  Our neighbourhood couple got stuck in the melee in the market. Husband never stood a chance and in minutes he was no more. Mob now lunged towards the wife. Suddenly the handlebar moustache neighbour emerged from nowhere. With menacing eyes, well-built physique and his formidable reputation he saved the lady and brought her home safely. Not only that, he married the same woman. Once again stereotyping of good and bad is getting confusing.

 

We had a teacher in our school. He was tough, knowledgeable but still benign for students. While he was tough when it came to studies, at a personal level he was more like a well-wisher, philosopher and guide.  A person who was ruthless when it came to classes, studies, exams and marks, he was remarkably accessible outside the class. In the small town where we lived we were connected quite well and once a year or so visited his house also. He was the nicest man we had seen, our role model, our God. One day tragedy stuck him. His only son died in an accident. We were all shocked. Many students of the class went to his house to be with him in his hour of grief. As expected, the scene there was chaotic and sombre. There were many a tear all around. When we met our God, he hugged me and another friend of mine and started crying loudly. We were shell shocked. Sombre atmosphere, grief, our God suffering and worst of all he crying aloud in front of all of us. Indeed, next day a girl in our group made an announcement. This announcement shocked us even more. She said that the God, our teacher, has permanently fallen from grace in her heart. How can a person who was so strong, mature, logical, demi God not keep a control on his emotions? A ‘man’ who cries in front of others is not worth the respect he deserves. So here, once again, a nice man, in fact the nicest man, who had been placed on the high pedestal by all the students suddenly slipped in status and became a ‘bad man’ for many. This entire thing of ‘nice man’ or not is actually becoming quite confusing.

 

I can go on and on in giving real life examples where the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ get so much intertwined that it is difficult to clearly classify a person in one category. In most cases there are no simple answers. Sometimes, our definition of good man changes by his conduct in different situations, sometimes by witnessing different facets of the man’s behaviour and sometimes only with time as we see the person over a longer horizon. Also, sometimes we realize the person’s true worth, goodness or otherwise, after years of his being with us. Have we ever heard ourselves saying that whatever we are today it is due to my mother who was very tough with me in the childhood? We have also heard cases where people say that ‘if only my father had not agreed to all my demands and been more firm with me I’d have been a different person today’.

 

My Little Thoughts Of Life in this context is that we must try not to be judgemental about people around us and classify them as a ‘nice’ or ‘bad’ person. There are no good or bad people, except in exceptional circumstances. If we classify people in these two categories, the moment a ‘nice’ man does something that doesn’t meet our expectations from him he falls from our grace. And if there’s a bad man whatever he may do, even if it is good, we will always end up criticizing him. More than anything else, this classification clouds our own judgement about others and we stop seeing the actions of people with dispassionate eyes. We keep trying to fit all their actions in the opinion that we have formed about them, nice or otherwise. When there’s a large variation in the actions and image, it results in irreparable damage to the interpersonal relationships. Every ‘nice man’ would have some black spots in him and every ‘bad man’ would have some bright spots in him. Instead of being judgemental of others the focus should be detach the person and his actions and classify those actions as good or bad. The person remains just what he or she is and continues to enjoy the same relationship with us, whether it is of parent child, spouses, boss-subordinate, siblings, teacher-student or any other. If at all we need to be judgemental, we need to do it ourselves and must keep analysing our own actions against what we feel good of bad in others.

 

To my friends and readers, I wish an ability to judge the actions of people around us rather than judging people themselves and in the process seek a constant improvement in their own actions.