I admire Delhi as a city for its amazing people. Denizens of our capital are fun loving, loud, boisterous, aggressive and warm. When I meet my friends from Delhi we don’t shake hands, we embrace. One has to live in Delhi to understand and appreciate these things. But despite my love for the city, its food and its people, I’m still scared to get down from the train after 10pm or getting into an argument with someone on the road.

Once I was driving and suddenly the car in front of me stopped. I somehow managed to apply brakes in time with no damage happening to me or my car. However, the car in front of me actually banged into the car ahead of it. Both cars suffered damage. I could have just reversed and gone. But there was an interesting spectacle in front of me. Like it is typical in Delhi, arguments started between the two car owners. Arguments were quite decent initially, till one of them uttered a four letter word. Other guy went red in the face. He was a fair man and it was quite a sight to see him going absolutely red in face. Anger was dripping from every pore and he was ready to strike. But instead he asked the opponent ‘you said it seriously or you were joking’? If it was serious he was ready to fight it out irrespective of outcome. But it was in lighter vein he was willing to let go. Opponent knew he was wrong and physically weak. He got a wonderful opportunity to escape. He realized that discretion was better part of valour and immediately said that he was joking. Two guys shook hands, exchanged business cards and parted as friends. All the onlookers were laughing and were happy at the outcome. It was actually not about the abuse that was used. It was whether he meant it or it was just in a jest.

One such brawl on the road last week reminded me of this funny incident and triggered off another thought in my mind. What is the truth in the statement ‘mind your language’? Is it really that important? There are golden rules of life having similar meaning, all of which say that we must keep our tongue in control, words spoken once are like an arrow that can’t be recalled, words create deep and permanent scars on others etc. Somehow, more I thought more I felt unconvinced about it. Many incidents started coming in my mind thereafter. Almost every incident told me that while words or language may be important, but what is critical is the way those words are spoken.

When we were engineering students and were in the hostel, ragging was still not banned. Our seniors then, many of whom later became our mentors and best friends, made our lives miserable and enjoyed at our cost. One of the ways was to come in our hostel rooms and ask us to act like a film hero having a rose in his hands and telling the heroine ‘I love you’. And imagine, every time anyone of us uttered a word there was a huge laughter in the room. In fact the memories of those times make me smile even now. But believe me, these words have no meaning in them if they are devoid of emotions. Not only that, the person who is being told this, can more often than not read whether they are genuine or fake. Doesn’t it mean that words are not so important than the way they are spoken and the intent behind them? In the hostel it was a norm for all of us to use four letter words with each other all the time. Habit had become so ingrained in our language that we all worried how would we control our tongues when we visited homes during vacations. But even once if we used them with each other in anger or with wrong intent, they were understood and responded to immediately in so many more words. I’m sure my Delhi friends can connect with this very easily.

In the quest to corroborate the hypothesis that is developing many examples are now flooding my mind.

Few months ago we had a meeting in the office and there was a sort of heated exchange between two participants. Being in the office and in midst of seniors there was hardly any possibility of usage of unparliamentary language. But one participant indeed lost his temper which was visible. His body language and facial expressions clearly communicated the same. Next day when the dust had settled I met this person in my cabin and started discussing this incident. I politely told him that it was not right for him to get so angry and he could have communicated the same thoughts in more civilized way. Now there was a friction between two senior people of the company which is not good for anyone of us. He heard me but I was surprised when he said ‘I never used any harsh words’. He was actually right. The damage was caused not by the words but by his expressions and body language.

In the journey of life I’ve been witness to such instances so many times that it’ll be difficult for me to narrate every such instance or even most of them. But I’ll try to speak about a few here to connect my thought today with realities of life.

A small child has to endure injections many times. During our days the syringes were thicker, reusable and were disinfected by putting them in flame or boiling water. It was difficult for me to go through this experience every time. But even then, there was a doctor who made the experience light by the way he spoke with me, very gently, with care and concern and with a smile. On the other hand there was another doctor who always kept a straight face, had matter of fact approach and did his professional job professionally. Both the doctors did their jobs and spoke almost the same words. But one was desired and other not. The reason was the way they spoke and communicated the news to me. Can you believe me that even after so many years I have the face of the disliked doctor right in front of my eyes as I am writing this piece – and I still don’t like it. That’s the power of ‘way to speak’. Since we are on this subject can we also try to imagine a situation where either we ourselves or one of our dear ones is detected with some ailment? Haven’t we all met doctors who can make a very simple issue scary just by telling us things in unemotional medical tone and some other doctor who would be considerate, smiling and communicate the same thing in a way that doesn’t make us lose our confidence even if the ailment was life threatening? The issue was never of content and choice of words alone. Issue was always of the delivery of the message.

I grew up little more and was in school. Those were the days when caning was not banned and we all were used to occasionally get the punishments that included caning on hands in winters with specially made thin canes for maximum effect. A teacher who was known for this, one Duggal Miss, was a terror for all of us. She would say sternly, Sanjay, I’d make you stand on the chair and complain to the principal. This was good enough to terrorize me. Then when I came home and was not studying my mother would say exactly the same words, Sanjay, I’d make you stand on the chair like they do in school and complain to your father. But the same words were dripping with love and affection. The impact was diametrically opposite. Issue was never of words alone. It was always about the delivery, context, timing, person etc. more than the words. Mothers are mothers, full of love for her children. But I’ve seen mothers who can speak the same words, ‘Have you had your dinner?’ in many different tones. I can’t possibly write those tones here but can say that some are only full of concern, some are stern and some plainly threatening with exactly the same words to the ‘T’. It is hardly ever the words alone. It is the intent, feelings, emotions in them that make all the difference.

I have already narrated few instances from my college days. So now I’ll try to speak about the professional life, as an employee. I’ve been and still am, a subordinate as well as the boss. Many colleagues have come in my life and many gone. I have seen good bosses and subordinates and not so good bosses and subordinates. I feel that in the context of boss-subordinate relationship this issue takes a very important dimension. Two different bosses, both getting angry at the subordinates and using almost the same words to do this, would convey very different messages depending on the tone. Let us assume the words are something like this: ‘Last three months I’m seeing that you are not achieving your targets. This is not acceptable. I’d like you to give me a written explanation for the same. If you don’t change the situation in next 3 months, I’m afraid we will have no choice but to take action’. To say this one may get the anger on his face, start shivering, screaming and making it personal. Other would say the same words in dignified, firm and business-like manner. First will breed contempt, anger and hatred in the employee and he instead of working towards improvement will think of neutralizing the threat. In second case chances are that the subordinate will not make it personal and instead focus on how to get the numbers. So once again, it was never a matter of words alone. I’ve come across many situations where the harsh messages are delivered in a tone that is soft but have the desired effect and I’ve also seen situations where simple errors with simple warnings lead to disproportionately large collateral damage. Even a genuine case where a person is ‘laid-off’ due to non-performance can be handled in different ways. One, where he accepts he could not cope up with the requirement of the role and second, where he feels victimized because of an unsympathetic boss.

On the lighter side, haven’t we seen in hindi movies most chilling messages being delivered by the ‘Don’ on phone couched in really sweet words? Actor Ajit may say, agar aapne kal tak das lakh rupaiye nahi bheje to hum aapke bhai ki ek chooti si anguli kaat kar aapke paas bhej denge….he may not mean it, but it will send a shiver down the spine of the person hearing it on the other end. Or imagine a situation where a woman tells a man ‘aaj ki raat katl ki raat hogi’….meanings could be diametrically opposite depending on the context, intent and the tone.

My Little Thought Of Life in this context is that ‘Mind your language’ is not the complete message. Language alone is not sufficient. It is actually a package deal in which words, delivery, emotions, body language, facial expressions, intent are all equally important. One must try to be conscious of the impact he wants on others by his communication and then decide package deal for delivery. We can’t say that every situation demands politeness or humility. Every situation is different and needs a customized solution for having the desired outcome. It may be difficult initially but with practice it will become a part of our consciousness. It is like learning car driving. Initially co-ordination between gears, clutch, brakes and steering appears so difficult with ever changing traffic pattern, but slowly it becomes a part of us.

To my friends and readers, be conscious of the package deal of communication and become expert drivers on the highway of life.