A couple decides to go to a formal event. They both get dressed in their finest outfits. Before they step out the wife asks her husband on how she is looking. Now every couple would know the meaning and intent of the question as well as the expected answer. Is it really a question in the true sense or the wife is just seeking an endorsement that she is looking very beautiful? I pity the husband who would dare to say anything otherwise.   God help the person who sees something amiss that would make her a laughing stock if not communicated to her. He is truly stuck between the devil and the deep sea.

While we may laugh at this situation, which in any case happens with most couples, it is by no means confined to this setting alone. It repeats itself around us in many different roles and situations. We keep changing our positions. Sometimes we seek opinions and sometimes we are sought out for opinions.  As seekers we know what we are looking for – an endorsement or a critique. But when sought opinions from, we hardly bother to look at the intent. Some pass the exam like a good husband and many fail thinking that the seeker indeed wishes to know the real views or critique and fail miserably. And,  when this happens the consequences are often not very pleasant.

As  in most of my posts, I shall cite some examples to explain my thoughts on this issue.

A child sings a song, not very well. He asks the mother about his singing. She smiles and tells him that he sang very well and to keep it up. The next evening some guests come home and the child, encouraged by his mother’s comment the day before, wants to show his newly learnt skill in singing to them and sings a song. Obviously, it isn’t very good,  but since he is a child everyone claps to encourage him except his elder sister who is just a year older than him. The child does not speak with her for one week after that.

In the same situation now let us assume that there is some change in the star cast. Instead of the child it is his father who decides to sing to his wife. She tells him that he sang well to encourage him. Next evening in front of the guests, father decides to display his singing skills. His wife is horrified and somehow manages to change the topic to avert a possible embarrassment.

Both the situations are hypothetical and light hearted. There’s not much of damage done in either of the outcomes. But the issue remains, that the person who asked for an opinion was actually seeking an endorsement. The person from whom it was sought also found it appropriate to give her endorsement without letting out her true opinion. In the first situation, she got away but in the second situation she got stuck. Having given a wrong view landed her and her husband in an awkward situation. But as mentioned before, this issue is not limited to  innocuous family settings. We face it in many serious situations in either of the roles. Unfortunately, in the role that we are in, we often don’t realize the intent or the pitfalls.

We have all heard very often people saying that ‘we can’t blame the leader, but fault lies with the advisors – if only the leader had received good advice he would have acted differently’. I have never believed in this philosophy. It is for the leader to surround himself with people who will give him fair and knowledgeable advice and again it is  for him to be able to  accept such advice in full humility and seriousness. Of course, no advice can be a perfect solution because every person who tenders his views would do so with his own perspective which may or may not be the right or complete perspective. It is for the leader to hear it, absorb it, think about it and then form his own  views and take decisions. Unfortunately, most leaders or pseudo-leaders don’t seek advice. What they seek is endorsement of their views and generally surround themselves with people who are too willing to do so. With time, the results are there to see and they are not very good. Since most situations find their own balance, people who seek true advice get surrounded by people who tender unbiased advice and people who seek endorsement get surrounded by cheer leaders. The moment there is contradiction in this, there is immediate reaction and heat gets generated. Imagine what would happen when a junior gives fair but unpleasant advice to an endorsement seeker boss. Reverse the situation and imagine a true advice seeker superior asking for a true opinion from a junior and getting only an endorsement. Both situations are explosive and demand that both, the seeker and the person  from whom the opinion is sought, be aware about their own role and the role that they expect the other to play. Once there is clarity, it becomes easier to play the role.

In our everyday lives we are constantly playing this game – sometimes we seek advice and endorsement and sometimes it is sought from us. Sometimes it is innocuous and sometimes it has serious consequences. For example, in the boss and subordinate game often the consequences are serious. Some people are known to speak their minds and some are known to be cheer leaders. There’s no mathematical formula or statistics to know who does better in life. Though ideally speaking, our heart would say, that mind speakers should win but in real life it doesn’t necessarily happen. Cheer leaders go far in their lives. We have enough endorsement seekers to pull them up.

Many times, this issue moves outside the professional domain and effects personal friendships.  Recently I met an old friend who had been working on a business proposition for quite some time. He had already spent considerable amount of money and time on his plan, which was grandiose. And truly speaking, if the plan works out the way it is envisioned, it will lead to a great business. But there were obvious shortcomings. When this friend was narrating his plan to me in a flow and with great passion there was no possibility of my interfering or saying anything. I knew he was seeking an endorsement. I could also see the shortcomings, which if not addressed, would result in sure shot failure of the business. What should I do? If I speak the truth, I risk hurting my friend and losing a friendship. If I endorse, I run the risk of being a dishonest friend and working against the interests of my own friend. This situation is something that we are faced with many times in our lives.  Answers to such situations are not easy. In my case, I would rather lose a friendship  than being dishonest with a friend. Similarly, everyone has to make a choice in such a situation. There’s nothing right or wrong in either of the choices. Except, in case of failure,  a friend would not be able to claim that no one had forewarned him, though the friendship may have been lost by then.

My Little Thought Of Life on this is, since we can be in either of the situations ourselves, it is important to understand the situation well and be honest with ourselves. As a seeker, we must know what we are seeking, an endorsement or a true opinion or advice. If we don’t get endorsement despite our seeking it, we have no right to get angry at the other person unless we have informed him that we seeking only an endorsement. Similarly, if we seek and receive advice, we must be prepared to accept that it may be contrary to our views, genuinely incorrect, well-meaning but lacking perspective or even misleading. Not doing this, puts at risk many long standing and good relationships.

At the same time, when we are asked for advice, in our mind we should be able to figure out quickly what is being sought, endorsement or honest views. The response must then be such that you can live with. A genuine endorsement is the best outcome. A genuine advice for genuine advice sought is even better. But what stands in conflict is an endorsement seeker getting true advice and a genuine advice seeker getting an endorsement. Once again, there are no rights and wrongs. Everyone has to decide for himself what is right for the situation. But what is important is that we handle the situation after understanding what is required rather than saying what comes to our mind immediately.

To my friends and readers I wish a greater ability to understand and differentiate between seeking of views and endorsement by them or their well-wishers and  responding according to the situation.