Today I shall first narrate a story of a newlywed couple.

 

Rahul and Seema had known each other for many years, being childhood friends and neighbours. They never realized when this friendship got converted into love. Since both families had also known each other well it was not long before they got married too.

 

Rahul had one elder brother and both used to study hard and play hard. They both were extroverts, gregarious and loved outdoor games. Both the brothers had been given lot of freedom by the parents and they led a carefree life, though they never misused that freedom. Despite the freedom they enjoyed they were both compassionate, helped people around them and were generally courteous with everyone, including the servants and less privileged people. Elder brother had now joined the army and Rahul himself was a business executive. Even though Rahul was a busy business executive he basically remained what he was – work hard, play hard, carefree and humble person, who was generally admired by all. No wonder Seema fell for him and they decided to tie the knot.

 

Seema on the other hand had one elder sister, Radhika, who had got married quite a few years earlier. Both sisters were very close and discussed everything between them. They hardly kept any secrets from each other. Since Seema was younger she often got good elderly advice from her sister. She took all the advice seriously since it was full of love and wisdom. Seema was loving and caring in nature but being younger of the two was slightly headstrong.

 

After marriage Seema and Rahul moved into their own flat which was close to the work place of Rahul but little far from their parents houses. Six months into their marriage and love and affection for respective families started calling and Seema wanted that her sister stayed with them for few days. Sister too couldn’t refuse the offer. In any case she and Rahul were also comfortable with each other. It didn’t take her long to pack her bags to be with her sister and brother-in-law for about a week.

 

First two days, which were the week end, just flew. It was all fun, pleasure, dinner outings and movies. Not only the sisters but Rahul was also enjoying and happy. By Sunday evening Rahul had started thinking of the week ahead and sisters were looking forward to some private time between them to talk about the world in general but more specifically how the married life of Seema was progressing. She was happy to see that her sister was very happy in her married life and Rahul took great care of her. Not only this, they both tried to find their own happiness in the happiness of the other. It was clearly an environment of bliss which any parent or elder sibling would be happy to see. But there was something that was bugging Radhika and she wanted to clarify that with her sister as soon as possible.

 

As it happened, when Radhika reached the home of her sister she had brought some presents for both. Seema was happy to see not only her present but a very good tie that Radhika had brought for Rahul. As soon as Rahul opened the packet his eyes sparkled and it was quite visible. Within few seconds Seema said lovingly, Rahul, but you didn’t say Thank You to my sister. Isn’t it bad manners? The guy in love with his wife didn’t bat an eyelid and was too happy to say Thank You to Radhika and the matter was over even before anyone could notice. But the experienced eyes of Radhika had seen something which she didn’t like.

 

Next morning they had decided to have relaxed brunch. There were many rounds of cups of tea, newspapers, favourite music and general cooking and bantering between the sisters. Rahul was sitting on the ‘deewan’ in the living room and was soaking in the cheerful atmosphere around. For the first time they had had a guest to stay with them and Seema was very happy. And her happiness made him also happy. That’s when Seema came out of the kitchen and in a very jocular but sarcastic way asked Rahul why had he thrown all the cushions here and there. Rahul, the carefree type person, smiled sheepishly, placed all the cushions at their right place but made a remark that ‘home is home and some imperfections make it a home – that’s what differentiates it with a 5-star hotel’. Now the bells had started ringing in the mind of Radhika. By the evening she was longing to have an urgent conversation with Seema. It so happened that when they were stepping out for dinner Rahul wanted to be relaxed and informal and had worn simple ‘kurta-pyjama’ for the evening. In any case during the week days he had to wear formal clothes in office. But Seema was not happy to see this. This was her first dinner outside with her sister after her marriage and she wanted it to be a memorable day for her sister. She had decided on a crisp suit for Rahul, newly bought western outfit for herself and dinner at one of the classy restaurant of the city. In any case, Seema was never fond of Indian dresses and thought that modernity reflected in one’s attire also and nothing better but western outfits reflected the same. Once again Rahul surrendered his wish for his wife, in whose happiness his own happiness lived.

 

Finally Monday arrived and Rahul left for work. Radhika was now itching to speak with Seema. As soon as Rahul left she made two large mugs of tea and pulled her sister for some serious discussions. After few sentences only she jumped to the issues that were bugging her.  When Seema heard the first issue she started laughing. She immediately told Radhika that they both were in love and she needn’t worry about it. In any case saying Thank You was a simple and socially accepted courtesy. Radhika wasn’t convinced. She had seen the glow in the eyes of Rahul when he opened the packet which was enough to communicate his happiness and gratitude and as soon as Seema forced him to say Thank You she had also seen the same glow fading out immediately. But there was no way she could make her dear sister see this.  When she asked Seema about the spread out cushions in the morning once again she hit a wall. Seema’s response was quick. She said that after all she is lady of the house and it was her responsibility to keep the house clean and unless Rahul also contributed it would be impossible. In any case she loved Rahul so much that she won’t say anything that hurt him but at the same time she was his wife and it was her responsibility to point out ‘the faults of her husband’. If she didn’t do this who else in this world would do it? By the time Radhika came to the third incident she could see slight irritation in the voice of Seema. When asked about the choice of dress and why she insisted on Rahul to wear a dress of her choice Seema was curt. She immediately said she loved her husband, she was his well-wisher and it was her duty to ensure that her husband looked smart and commensurate with their status in the society. Radhika’s throat choked. She could not muster courage to say anything more to her sister. She was instead thinking whether a man looked smarter in an Indian outfit or a western outfit. She couldn’t convince herself that only western outfits were good. Communication between the sisters for rest of the day was minimal now. They both were waiting for Rahul to return to change the atmosphere at home.

 

As the fate would have it, when Rahul returned he was tense. Something must have happened in the office. He was quite silent, took his cup of tea and went in the bedroom. Seema couldn’t resist for long. She came in the bedroom and requested Rahul to come out in the living room to be with two of them. In any case, Radhika was their guest and they both had the responsibility to keep her happy and comfortable. Rahul came out but within few minutes was back in the bedroom. Now Seema was slightly upset. She came behind him and asked Rahul what exactly went wrong today in the office. Initially Rahul didn’t say anything but when pestered hard gave a small summary of events that led to his having a foul mood.   Now Seema couldn’t control herself. She immediately told him that this was a small issue and how he as a grown up man had allowed a small event to spoil not only his mood but of the entire household. There was a tone of accusation in her voice that Rahul got upset very easily on small issues which effected her also. Radhika could over hear most of the conversation which was now happening at a loud voice. She was too frustrated and worried to see the conduct of her own sister. Next morning she broached the subject with Seema. This time Seema got annoyed at the question and was clear in her verdict. Rahul had a shortcoming of getting upset on small issues and she as a wife was the only person who not only had the right but duty also to tell him his. Radhika didn’t see a window of opportunity to speak her mind with the younger sister. But she was now thinking that not only Seema didn’t have any right to make Rahul see the world from her eyes, but dominating behaviour with her husband and making him feel small in his own eyes may have consequences later once the novelty of new marriage had worn off.

 

Once again both sisters were looking forward to Rahul’s return from his work. Today when he returned he was not only slightly ashamed of his last evening’s conduct but had a good day at office. He wanted to make up for the fiasco of the previous evening and returned home early. He had planned a nice evening for all three. First going to India Gate lawns in the excellent weather, taking a stroll and having ice cream, visiting Pandara Road for dinner and returning home after having great pan at Panchayati. Everything started off well and evening unfolded beautifully.  This is when suddenly a beggar woman approached them. Compassionate Rahul was as usual courteous with her and gave her a ten rupee note. Seema who was watching all along wasn’t happy to see this. Her husband was never firm with anyone. How could he give money just like that to a beggar? But she controlled herself for the fear of spoiling the evening. They came to their favourite restaurant at Pandara Road. Waiter recognized Rahul and started chatting with him. It was almost like some old friends meeting. All this while waiter was doing whatever was required by him to be done and offered the best table to them. Oh! How could Rahul speak to the petty waiter like this, that also in front of her sister? Seema was very upset. Though she said nothing, Radhika could read the face of her sister and in any case she knew her sister’s views quite well. She was well aware that Seema liked to maintain a visible distance with the workers. Things became even tenser when Rahul tipped Rs.100 to the waiter after the meal. This was the last straw for Seema. How could Rahul splurge money like this? In any case he was very careful when she went for shopping.  Tension in the atmosphere was by now visible to all three. Instead of having a great evening it had become a disaster and they returned home without having pan at Panchayati. Before going to bed Radhika could hear heated exchange from the bedroom of her sister and her loud sobbing.

 

It had become quite suffocating for Radhika to continue her stay with the sister. She announced early in the morning that after having breakfast she will take a cab and go home. All three were quite aware of the tension in the air and neither Seema nor Rahul asked her to prolong her stay. This time Radhika didn’t say one word to her sister, just packed her bags and left. A week-long stay was cut short by half and she didn’t know what to tell her own husband. There were many other questions troubling her mind. Did Seema have the right to keep pointing the so called mistakes of her husband all the time? Was she right in her expectations that Rahul conducted himself as per her definition of right and wrong? Does love gives us right to ‘reform’ the ‘loved’ in a way we believe is right? Can we expect to see error free human beings in our lives just like the difference in 5 star hotels and homes?  For how long Rahul will sustain the mission of her sister to reform him in her own way – though she was not even wrong in all her views. Rahul did indeed get upset on small issues, he did indeed get extra friendly with cabbies and waiters and beggars. She was worried for her sister.   And it didn’t take long for her worst fears to come true. Even before her first wedding anniversary Seema was back with her parents.

 

What is important in this fictional story is not the conduct of people but the questions that were troubling the mind of Radhika when she left. Do we have this situation only between husband and wife or the phenomenon affects other relationships too? Should we point out the obvious errors and shortcomings in the people who we love? Would it be better just to allow our loved ones to be what they are or we have duty to make them realize the possible consequences of their own actions? Was Seema right in pointing out the errors of Rahul who she loved deeply or Radhika, who too loved her sister, when she returned home without saying anything? There are many questions with no clear answers. This world is indeed so complex and devious.

 

In my life I have seen many loving relationships getting destroyed just because people are not conscious of the underlying issues and deem it their birth right to ‘reform’ the people they love. They are convinced of their righteousness because they believe that they have no vested interest in their mind other than well-being of the loved one. And the extent to which this can go on can be ridiculous. Imagine in the same story Seema and Rahul going for a vacation to a hill station. Rahul was happy to be away from the metro city and its hustle bustle and wanted to have a quite and peaceful time, whereas Seema was looking forward to visiting new places, taking pictures and posting on the facebook. One morning as they woke up Rahul was having a hot cup of tea sitting on the swing and looking around the beautiful panorama. Seema comes and asks, Rahul why aren’t you enjoying? He was taken aback by this sudden question and slightly annoyed too since he was at ease with himself and was enjoying every moment of his having a hot cup of tea in the beautiful environs. Oh! The situation became complex. Someone wants the other to enjoy his life also in a way he or she deems it fit. The idea of reform can stretch to any extent. Is it a figment of my imagination? No, not at all. As recent as 3 weeks ago we had an official conference in Thailand. It was lot of travel and intense discussions. On the penultimate evening we had a session of cocktails and dinner with light music. I enjoyed and slept well, though quite late. At the breakfast table someone suddenly asked me, Sanjay, why aren’t you enjoying. Ha! I just dropped the fork in my hand and asked the person what made her ask me this question. She said, you didn’t go out after the party to see the nightlife of this place. We all went and returned at 2 in the morning. It was so much fun, which you missed. There was no way for me to convince her that after tough conference, travel and party most important thing for me was to have a good night sleep rather than seeing the night life of that place. Fortunately, this was just a colleague and not someone very close to me. So there was no ‘movement reform’.

 

So when we speak of ‘reformist relationships’ I see a wide variety in them. These may be of mother and son where mother was not only overbearing but during the entire childhood and adolescence of the son ensured that son behaved as per her definition of right and wrong. As the son grew up he found himself to be uncomfortable in the company of other men having seen the world from the eyes of a woman, his mother.  Once he realized the cause he drifted apart from his own mother who had been so loving and caring otherwise.  I have seen the same between good friends, superiors and subordinates, teachers and students, leaders and the followers and in every conceivable relationship. What makes the issue important enough to be addressed by me is that all these relationships are based on love and affection alone but they still don’t last long. What can be a bigger irony than this?

 

I’m a great votary of yoga. Not only because of the beneficial effects of this on our body and mind but many life lessons it has for the discerning.  Few days ago we had our annual health check-up. Doctors were very clear that I was overweight and this must be addressed immediately. There were no other issues to worry about. After few days I met my yoga guru and asked him his opinion on this. Doctors had scared me quite a bit. He was very clear about it. In his opinion so far as issues of weight and BMI etc. are concerned they were best left to the body itself. If you can carry your own weight without discomfort it makes no sense to worry about the charts that the doctors have. All bodies can’t be same, it is not appropriate to expect each body to fall in certain fixed parameters, there will be certain infirmities in each body and if it can cope up with them there’s no need to worry much. Above all, stop worrying about few things that were genuinely not right. After all, other parameters in health check-up were fine and just being overweight shouldn’t cause loss of sleep. Indeed I absorbed the message and sleep well now without worrying about my weight.

 

As I see, it is the biggest folly of a human being to stay focussed on the weaknesses of any other person, even if the person is your own son. This is true for many reasons. First, what we see as weakness may not be a weakness in the first place. It may just be something which is contrary to our own belief. So if Seema felt that it is good to maintain distance with the workers, Rahul had equally strong belief that we should be polite and humble with all. If Seema feels that saying Thank You is important, Rahul may feel equally strongly that words don’t make a difference and the same may be communicated by gestures, feelings and conduct. May be the belief of Rahul has greater acceptance with others. How can Seema therefore point to this supposed error to Rahul? Just because Rahul didn’t respond doesn’t mean that he has accepted it or will forget it. What has happened in reality is that this has resulted in a very thin, but a clear crack in the relationship. Two, we assume that the weakness is a genuine weakness. What do we do then? In my view it is important to understand that everybody is imperfect and despite all efforts we will remain imperfect though in varying degrees. We can’t do and shouldn’t try to do is to turn our homes in to 5 star hotels. Homes are homes because they sustain and revel in being human and being imperfect. That being the case, any weakness in us doesn’t make us bad human being. We need to ask ourselves if this needs correction at all or not, like my weight. Can I continue to live with it, the way I’m doing now? Not every imperfection needs to be removed whether it is slight excess weight or a skin tag or a mole on the chin. Everybody has a right to get angry sometime, get upset sometime, get worried some time, get tense sometime, sleep early sometime, over eat sometime, indulge in pleasures sometimes etc. This is what makes us human – bundle of emotions and not the perfect beings.

 

Does it mean that we do nothing when we find some obvious weakness in someone we love? Should we keep quite even when this weakness is hurting the person himself or the people around him? Like Seema’s sister Radhika did when she left without giving any final advice to Seema. Results were disastrous for Seema later on and unfortunately they had been foreseen by Radhika.   What a tragedy indeed.

 

One thing is clear that such weaknesses need to be communicated to the person for sure, however hard it may be. However, this is something that is easier said than done. Hearing one’s errors, even when said by the closest of people, is not easy. If it is said repeatedly it becomes even more difficult and starts effecting relationships. Subsequently it starts having the opposite effect to what was desired. A person who drinks everyday if reminded everyday will eventually say, so what? It’s my money. How does it effect you? A smoker if reminded everyday will say, it is my health after all. Will you keep quite now? A person who has uncontrollable anger will in any case lose his control and show you the right place.  Limited point I want to make here is that pointing towards genuine weaknesses of a loved one is a sensitive job and very careful thought needs to be given to it rather than crude, everyday sermons that we all love to give our loved ones. So we hear regular complaints about others, you get excited very soon, get angry at the drop of the hat, you always do things without thinking, you get upset at the smallest of the issue, you can’t keep things clean, you are so careless etc. The list can be long. And the answers are not easy.

 

Sometimes we need to give subtle hints, sometimes we look for the right moment when the atmosphere is right to say a serious thing, sometimes we get a third party like another friend to give the message once and sometimes we just wait and keep watching the person committing errors in life because saying something at that moment can be more harmful than not saying. Then suddenly life gives an opportunity when the weaknesses of the person concerned results in some adverse result. This is the time to broach the issue and convince the person about his follies. But what is sure to boomerang is a missionary zeal to ‘reform’ your loved one by pointing out his weaknesses frequently and believing that you have some God ordained right to reform him. All of us have a God ordained right to reform ourselves alone and no one else. Example of Rahul and Seema may be fictional but happens every day in our lives in different names and relationships.

 

My Little Thought Of Life in this context is that we must always remember human beings are sensitive and emotional in nature. And when it comes to our loved ones sensitivity and emotional quotient is much higher. That being the case, a hammer and tongs approach to ‘reform’ them and make them see our way of seeing things, whether we are right or wrong, will only result in disastrous break in relationships. It is not a question of ‘if’ but only of ‘when’. As I said earlier, our only responsibility is to reform ourselves, not others. When it comes to others, if at all, our main effort should be identify strengths and weaknesses, focus and leverage on strengths and ignore weaknesses, if possible. If the weaknesses are too stark to be ignored then think and plan the best way to address them. But single minded determination and missionary zeal to reform others will most likely have exactly the opposite outcome than what is desired.

 

To my lovely friends and readers I wish an ability to cherish the difference of opinions with their loved ones, an ability to accept and live with their weaknesses and if genuinely required to inform and reform them, an ability to find out the best way to do so without adversely affecting the bonds of loving relationships.