Today was a big day for Sushil and Rachna, their first wedding anniversary. Both of them had taken the day off from their office and both had decided to surprise each other. While Rachna had bought the latest and expensive mobile phone for her hubby, Sushil had planned a great evening. He had booked an expensive limousine for the evening and a table for two for a candle light dinner in the famous restaurant of an expensive 5-star hotel of the city. Manager of the restaurant had been briefed to serve a bottle of Champagne in style and present exquisitely crafted and elegantly packed diamond studded ear rings to Rachna. Everything had been planned meticulously by both of them to the last detail, including new dresses for each other. Also, almost everything had been kept secret by both. Evening arrived and they both got ready to go. They were waiting for the limousine to arrive. But suddenly Sushil’s childhood friend dropped in with his wife. They had also planned to surprise them that evening. They arrived with a big bouquet of flowers, a huge cake and a gift. While Sushil and Rachna were happy to see all this, they were getting impatient to go out for their own evening, with just two of them to give each other company. Friend and his wife were sensible. They could see the impatience and soon the limousine also arrived. Friends left allowing Rachna and Sushil to be alone finally. When they entered the expensive vehicle they were slightly late which had put off Sushil since the script had gone slightly haywire. By the time they reached the restaurant it was an hour beyond the time given for booking the table. Now the corner table for two, which Sushil had reserved, was not available. Manager of the restaurant waited for them before allotting it someone else. Sushil had after all forgotten to give him a call that they will be slightly late. Now the script had indeed started going awry. Sushil was angry. It took Rachna’s incredible charm to cool him down to settle down at another table. As the evening unfolded, manager came all smiles with the gift wrapped ear rings and a complimentary cake for them. Sushil and more important Rachna, was happy with the unexpected gift and the tempting cake. But where was the champagne? Sushil asked the manager. Manager was profusely apologetic at this goof up. But by now Sushil’s patience was over. No amount of apology from the manager or request of Rachna was able to calm him down. He shouted, threw the cake, fought with the manager, held the hand of Rachna and walked out of the restaurant. Sushil was fuming while in the car and Rachna was all tears. Eventually they reached home after a forgettable evening. They both didn’t have dinner that night and slept in separate rooms.

Is this imaginary incident improbable? I don’t think it is. Few months ago a similar incidence had become headline in the newspapers in Mumbai. Saif Ali Khan had gone to Taj Mahal Hotel in Mumbai and picked up a fight with someone leading to fisticuffs, police complaint and a court case. Not only the evening was spoilt for many people, but the court case against the actor continues. If only Saif and our imaginary character Sushil had not picked up a fight on flimsy grounds so many people would have had a joyous evening.

Many years ago I had a colleague at my office who was always smiling and courteous with everyone. He was a blue blooded professional from IIT and IIM, a knowledgeable person and a thorough gentleman. But professionally speaking, he was not at a position that he rightfully deserved. He was very sweet with everyone and could never ever think of picking up a fight. This was his undoing since he allowed everybody to steamroll him, eventually in his becoming completely ineffective in dealing with people. His subordinates and juniors went ahead of him and became his seniors. Not only this, since he could not fight with anyone he was same at home also. He allowed his wife to completely dominate him, which in no small way contributed to his losing self-respect. Without her ever realizing this, she was also a loser since her own husband could not grow in the corporate world to the extent he should have. It was so sad for me to see the plight of this colleague though he was a perfect ‘ahimsavadi’ in his approach towards life.

The examples that I have illustrated above are from this world only. Both of them are opposite of each other. If one is right, the other shouldn’t be and vice-versa. But as we see here, both the situations, too much fight or too much avoidance of fight, not only bring grief and loss to the person concerned but also to his near and dear ones. Often we hear parents telling their children that ‘they should never fight with others’. We also have parents who tell their children ‘never to take anything lying down but retaliate, fight and return home as a winner’. I really don’t know if the parents really understand the import of what they are inculcating in the children and what would it lead to.

There was a person known to me who very proudly used to say ‘I’m a fighter’, ‘nobody tells me what to do’ and at the slightest of the provocation would end up fighting with others. I’m sure this was not something that was developed in his adulthood. Chances are that this trait was started in childhood with parents and near and dear ones applauding every time he picked up a fight with other children of similar age and bet them up. Slowly it became deeply ingrained nature where fighting with friends and colleagues became a matter of pride for him. Something that gave so much pleasure to his parents when he was a child now started becoming a cause of worry for them. But the journey had started. Now even parents were scared to tell their son that he was fighting with others a bit too frequently – after all they were also scared of him. Once he was an adult this ability to pick up fights with others started telling on him and people close to him. Often his friends were circumspect speaking with him, were superficial, spent limited time and kept the interaction minimal. Despite that after few months of interaction there was inevitably a reason to fight and people drifted away from him. His jobs lasted for a short time since the fighter in him kept rearing his head everywhere. His family was torn by strife having little happiness. I’m not narrating here to describe this person here, but to bring out the effect of ‘fighting’ on the person himself as well as his near and dear ones. So this is what becomes of a person who loves to fight.

But then we have seen umpteen examples, including the one narrated by me of a colleague of mine, where the non-violence and pacifism of a person has also led to friction and strife in the life of the person concerned. This is not true only for individuals. It is equally valid for nation states. Often we’ve heard that India is a soft state. We keep tolerating many wounds inflicted by other countries or even the enemy within. This encourages them further to cause more and more damage. After all, we believe in non-violence and will never retaliate unless we are pushed to corner to an extent that we have no choice but to do so. So others keep hurting the country but don’t drive it hard enough that we have no choice but to repulse. We may do well to remember the famous words of a Prime Minister of a neighbouring country to ‘destroy India with a strategy of inflicting 1000 cuts’. He was absolutely sure that we as a nation will never retaliate those small wounds that they will inflict on us. We therefore continue to suffer from the scourge of terrorism inspired by other countries – the strategy of 1000 cuts continues to hurt us even today.

I have also come across people in my life who are jovial, good natured and generally well composed. They are normally unflappable and tolerate small discomforts to themselves and errors of others. It is not their habit to lose their temper on small issues. They give long rope to people around them. I recall an incident few months ago when I saw a motorist losing control on his car and crashing into a stationary car. Passenger from the stationary car stepped out, saw the rear of his car completely smashed, met the driver of the other car and exchanged business cards and drove off. Once the accident had happened there was no point in fighting and quarrelling on the road and making an issue out of it. I also remember a tough and feared CEO of a company where I was working earlier. Once we were in a party where he was wearing an expensive suit. The waiter who was serving dropped the bowl of vegetable on his trousers and shoes by mistake. There was a stunned silence around. But the man spoke in a self-assured voice with the waiter that ‘it happens sometimes and he need not worry’. He went to wash room and wiped off the shoes and trousers and was back in few minutes. Everyone was relieved and enjoyed the party thereafter. I reflected on this on my way back and realized that the CEO was very selective about the fights he picked up. Ones that needed to be avoided were avoided. But the ones where it was important to fight, he fought and fought hard. In fact while writing this I can’t stop thinking about the very effable and celebrated industrialist in India, Mr. Ratan Tata. He was always courteous, well-mannered and charming. Never once have we heard or read anywhere that he lost his temper or fought with someone. But he famously said ‘if you put a gun to my temple, either you shoot or remove the gun, my head will not move’. Indeed he fought many bitter battles in his corporate life, whether it was with the state government of West Bengal or old satraps of large Tata companies when he took over the group as the Chairman. He not only fought, but fought hard and won all the battles. Still there’s no one to suggest that Mr. Tata picks up fights.

My Little Thought of Life in this context is that no one should be a known fighter who keeps fighting on every small or big issue with others for the sake of fighting. After all, it hurts the person himself the most. His near and dear ones are next in line to suffer. But the opposite to this, of being a complete pacifist, a person who likes to avoid fights and conflicts, is also not a desirable situation. Whether we like to fight or not, whether we are strong or not, whether it is our personal life, professional life or the national character, if people around us believe that we don’t like to fight they will see it as a sign of weakness and hurt us more, harm us more and wound us more. Eventually we will suffer along with our near and dear ones. Obviously, we shouldn’t fight every fight that comes our way. It may not be worth it. But we should not even avoid each fight that comes our way. This also may not be worth it. Challenge is to pick up the fight that’s worth picking up, fighting hard and winning. Once the people and countries around you know that ‘if’ you pick up a fight you will fight hard and fight to win, they will reduce the blows and cuts that they try to inflict on you. As the famous hindi poet Ramdhari Singh Dinkar had written, “Kshama shobhti us bhujang ko jiske pass garal hai, uska kya jo dantheen vishrahit vineet saral hai”. Forgiveness and non-violence suits only the strong, who knows how to fight, who can fight and who fights to win.

To my friends and readers my advice is, don’t just fight for the sake of fighting, don’t just avoid fights, instead pick up the ‘just’ fights to fight. You will emerge victorious, hold your head high and have a high self-esteem. Fight, but pick the right fights to fight.