During our childhood, particularly in the small towns where I’ve been brought up, people knew their neighbours well. Those were the days when our neighbours were not ‘uncles’ but ‘Chacha’ and ‘Tau’. We were often found in each other’s houses and there was no need to call anyone on phone before visiting them. Evening tea and many times even bed tea were enjoyed together outside our houses. We as children could have our meals in any of the neighbouring households with no questions asked.

I remember one family who were our next door neighbours. This small nuclear family consisted of two brothers and parents. Both brothers were few years older than me. As we typically see in Indian families, elder son was dear to the father and younger was his mother’s favourite. Also typically, the elder one was sincere and obedient types while the younger was a spoilt brat. He had a bad temper and in fit of rage could do and say anything. He was always short of pocket money, played with street kids and was poor in studies. We were in their neighbourhood for about three years. In these years we witnessed quite a transformation in them as they grew. Younger was in his teens and the elder one finished his teens. But during this time while on one side the younger one became more aggressive, elder one, understanding the situation and his responsibilities, became more mature and sensible. By the time he was 15 years old he had started helping his father at their shop in main market and by the time he was 18 he was managing the shop in the evening all alone. But we also witnessed something else. Whenever parents had any important work they remembered the elder son, who always kept their faith in him. Also, whenever there was something good like sweets, clothes etc. the younger son got the lions share. Whenever there was a quarrel between the sons, even if the younger one was wrong which was more often the case, parents only asked the elder son to see the reason and compromise. Like an obedient son, he always did that. Parents always knew that only the elder one will listen to them and were too scared to go against the wishes of the younger one. Elder one continued to be a good and principled boy and the younger one remained a brat. We parted ways. But on and off we kept in touch and also got news from other common friends. We came to know later that elder son ensured the shop and business did well whereas the younger one remained a vagabond. But what broke my heart was news that father came under pressure from the younger son, gave him the shop, business and the ancestral house. Only help that the elder one received was some money to start another shop in the outskirts of the city and a small house. Parents of course moved with the elder one in their old age. Younger one, over a period of time ensured that the business became one tenth of what was handed over to him.

Spoilt brat remained a spoilt brat but still won.

Is this an isolated case? I think not. This is a common story in majority of households. In the quest to keep peace in the family or to avoid any untoward incident, elders or controllers keep on appeasing the brats and suppressing the sincere ones, eventually to realize that everybody lost out. Best part is that all these years they kept on hoping and believing that as the son grew he will change. Formative years became teens, teens became adolescence and within no time young boy was a man. Change he did, but only for worse. Hopes of parents remained just that, hopes, only to be shattered in their old age when they had lost the game. We in fact read this in Mahabharata also. The brats refused to give land equivalent to the point of a needle also, forget five villages, to the righteous siblings as a compromise.

Does it happen only in families? No, brats exist everywhere. I remember my days when I was in middle management levels. I had a colleague who was a loud mouth, performed less, spoke more and replied back to superiors, but with amazing regularity over the years in the month of February there used to strong rumour that he had got another job and will resign soon. He never contradicted the rumours and in a subtle way ensured that the system knew he was unhappy and may resign any day. To my utter shock, every year he got better appraisal than me, more bonus, higher increments and quicker promotions. I was the person who delivered numbers, ensured a strong team and a long term sustainable business. But the brat won, every year, year after year. It’s only after many years that the brat got exposed for what he was and today stands nowhere.

One look at the functioning of the corporate world will show how deep rooted is the ‘spoilt brat syndrome’ in the operating environment. Let us say that there are four regions in the territory of the sales manager. Each region has a regional sales manager. Of the four regional managers one is bright and does a good job, two are average and one is a poor performer. To achieve his own targets the sales manager will keep looking at the guy who is bright and has potential to work even harder and deliver far higher than what was expected of him since he knows that the laggard will remain laggard. Like the typical family that we discussed earlier, sincere man will again remain sincere and shoulder responsibility higher than what he should. Brat will remain brat and under perform. At the time of rewards even if the performer gets higher recognition it is not likely to be in the same ratio of his efforts. Brat’s ability to create nuisance will ensure that he gets more than his share of rewards. Boss will always ensure that not only the sincere performer bails him out but also accepts that the brat is not punished. After all performer is a sincere person who looks at overall good of the organization and will do nothing that harms the interests of the organization he works for. Brat gains, righteous stays just that, righteous, but doesn’t get rewarded adequately.

So we see that ‘spoilt brat syndrome’ is slightly larger than what we discussed initially, of being within the families. But does it stop here? Can the brat be just one individual in a given situation? Once again, I feel that the syndrome is much bigger. We have one whole country in our neighbourhood. This country has mastered the art of being the ‘spoilt brat’ for the world. And not surprisingly, it has benefitted by being that. Today world expects India to be a ‘good boy’ and behave responsibly. While there are some rewards that have started coming recently to the good boy, brat is not exactly a loser. It wrests much more goodies from Uncle Sam who is always careful not to provoke the brat by being too generous to the good boy. In fact, the entire importance of the brat stems from the fact that it is a brat. The moment it ceases to be the one it loses its importance. Brat knows it too well and revels in the image that it has created for itself. After all it pays. So it has a stated doctrine that if it is under any threat from any other country it reserves the right to use its nuclear weapons first. Brat has a damage potential which is very high. What a beautiful situation for him. An image of being a brat coupled with high damage potential can be highly rewarding indeed. Good boy, the responsible boy, has to see overall good of the humanity and in the process if he loses or the brat gains it is an acceptable situation for him. In any case everybody believes that brat will grow one day, come out of the shadows of ‘khaki’ and become a functioning democracy. Alas! The ‘spoilt brat syndrome’ is too powerful to allow any such thing to happen.

A belief that brat will become sensible one day with passage of time is nothing but a delusion. Is there a way out?

If look at all these examples here we find that there are three principal roles. One is of course the brat. Second is the sibling in any form and third is the parent. What can we do in any of these roles?

Let’s consider the brat first. If there’s a brat, then one of us has to play that role. If we are playing that role in our real life, unknowingly we will be true to it. We won’t listen to any voice of reason, unless it comes from deep within us. My belief is that one of the smallest things we can do is to ask ourselves if we are the brat in our life or even in a particular portion of our lives. We must remember that not only brats are disliked by others, they gain at the cost of siblings and others, they hurt them but eventually lose out themselves too. Any tendencies in us to behave like a brat must be identified and curbed as soon as possible.

Second role is that of the sibling. More often than not sibling is at the receiving end of the brat and has no control on his actions. He is not in a position to punish the brat. He basically loves and respects his parents and is a good person at heart and therefore keeps sacrificing his interests to make parents happy. But he is also the biggest loser. He must therefore do something. Response has to be different for different situations. Let us say in the case of our neighbouring country who’s a brat, it has been made to understand that though we will continue to remain ‘good boys’, beyond a level its tantrums will not be tolerated and it will get everything back in either the same measure or more. So the brat has started behaving slightly better with the sibling now. If the sibling happens to be in the work environment situation is slightly different. But here too the ‘good man’ can make few assertive points to the parent, who in this case happens to be his boss. He must make it known clearly that though he will deliver more than his share of sales targets, he needs to be rewarded and acknowledged for this work. Also, managing the brat is the job of the parent and he is the one who’s paid to do that. Brat in this case must be kept at bay without allowing him any space to create nuisance. But primary focus should remain own work and firm communication with the parent. But being the sibling of a brat in family situations is complex. On one side is the love one has for the parents, empathy with their plight and suffering and on the other hand agony of being helpless in front of the brat. This is tough and often lasts for years. One can only try to be assertive with parents and brat both while ensuring that parents don’t suffer any more due to the ‘good man’ since they would be getting an overdose of it by the brat. But as the siblings grow older it will be wise to create distance and part ways. Sustaining the brat forever can never be a good solution for the sibling.

Most important role one gets in these situations is that of the parent. His conduct decides significantly the conduct of the brat also. If he feels that by appeasing the brat he will become a ‘good boy’ it will never happen. On the contrary the brat will keep becoming an expert in blackmailing and even more damaging. Like in the case of our neighbouring country we see that despite it suffering hugely due to its own actions there’s no reform there and they find better and newer ways to extract money from the ‘parent’ who is Uncle Sam. Had parent been firm initially and not appeased this brat he wouldn’t have become a Frankstein’s monster and a global trouble maker. At our work we often see that while one boss is unable to manage the brat, the moment a tough boss comes in, in one strong move he neutralizes that brat. Corporate world is full of such stories of transfers, sackings, demotions etc. to rein the brat. But only an iron hand can control the brat. Once again, in family situations it becomes far more complex. Here the bonds are of blood, love and affection and for an extended period of time. But here too, mollycoddling is not helpful. Brat must be recognised as a brat by the parents early and multiple strategies used to ensure that the damage potential is least. The most important is not to succumb to his pressures and blackmail. Second is to bring strong rules and regulations along with punishments to curb his natural tendencies. If there’s no permanent improvement then it is essential that the brat is quarantined and a distance created between him and rest of the family for overall good of everybody. Appeasing and not taking right actions at the right time will only mean that the brat keeps becoming stronger and one fine day will result in real life Mahabharata. After all, this is what happened then. If the brats had given only five villages to the siblings as a compromise there would have been no Mahabharata. When this happens there is lots of blood and gore and loss of resources and much suffering. So the parent’s role is the most important role in these situations.

My Little Thought Of Life in this context is that we must look within us with all honesty and see if there’s a brat inside ourselves in any of the roles that we play in our lives. If it is there, we better tame that brat inside us. It will only damage everyone around us with we ourself being the worst sufferers eventually. If we are the parent of a brat in any of the life roles, we need to develop enough strength to deal with the brat and never believe that appeasing the brat will reform him. Passage of time will not make the brat mature but a bigger brat. Also, we need to be considerate with the ‘good boy’ and ensure that he doesn’t lose out due to the brat. Being a parent in this situation is an act of responsibility, vision, character and dispassionate action. Worst role is that of the sibling, who is in the role due to his destiny, has no control on either the parent or the brat, loves his parent, is compassionate and righteous but still goes through his share of suffering. He has to eventually learn to be firm with brat and the parent, create his own space and not allow his love for the parent to trample over his own rights and happiness.

To my friends and readers I wish an ability to identify the brat within or outside and deal with it in the most appropriate way.