Last week I and one of my engineering batchmates were having a sort of ‘nok-jhonk’ on some issue on the Facebook. Suddenly many memories cropped up in my mind of those days. Those were the days when often we had no money to pay even 50 paise for a cup of tea at our local university shack, called TIC by all of us so lovingly. We either had to borrow or ask him to put it in our account. Often one Capstan plain cigarette was enjoyed by 6-10 friends till the fingers started burning. But two memories stood out. One, how to travel in train without reservation in the reserved 3-tier compartments and spend the night in first class waiting room while holding ticket of the second class. Two, how to manage tough professors. In both I was an utter failure. And both instances happened quite frequently.

First the train part, since it continued for many years even after completing our studies. A sincere, dabbu and darpok person like me would go to the TTE and request him for a berth. Often I’d keep following the guy for hours with no success. But then I observed that my friends or other passengers, smarter than me of course, would go to the TTE, strike a conversation with him, understand and speak in his lingo, offer a cigarette if required (we could smoke in trains then), were far more successful than me in managing the berths or spending nights in 1st Class waiting rooms without paying anything extra. I used to feel even more stupid at times like this. Similarly, when I moved to the business school these issues became even starker. I was a person or a student trained to see the teachers and professors as demi-Gods. We always had to be courteous and obsequious in front of them. If we were late for the class we were used to ask ‘May I come in Sir’. There was no question of walking out of the class for a smoking break or asking for a cup of tea in the class itself. In engineering we used to call our seniors ‘Sir’, even the guys one year senior to us. The tradition continues till date and we still call all our then seniors ‘Sir’. But in the business school even guys older than us by many years, sometime even 5-6 years, were always on first name terms. It was difficult to adjust in this scenario. We were trained to treat older people with respect and here we all that we had learnt was being proven wrong. It was tough. The reason I’m narrating this not to tell about my life journey or the growth pangs that I faced. But because there are very important life lessons in these stories which are valid in my life even today. I learnt by experience, spent many years in the process and always believed that I was stupid. But I feel sad to find many people even today at the beginning of the same learning curve that I went through. Sometime, these people have more years of life experience than me. This prompted me to think on this issue and crystallize my thoughts.

I’ll now give a slight change to the narrative and then try to connect the two stories. When I was in junior mid-management level I found that many bosses were curt and to the point with some of their one downs but quite at ease with the chosen few who were even more junior to them. Or, in other words we may say that those chosen few knew how to manage those senior people. These guys could laugh out the differences, speak out their mind on serious issues without fear, contradict them without worries, drink innumerable number of pegs of Old Monk rum with them and get drunk and still remain in their good books. The same bosses sometime were subordinates too, as we all are at some time or the other. Surprisingly, they failed in managing their bosses the way their subordinates managed them. They were not only not able to speak out their mind, they surrendered abjectly to the dictates of their bosses to the great detriment of the company and the employees who were giving their sweat and blood to the organization. I saw some people speaking their mind with their superiors as an equal, as their well-wishers, in an environment where both respected each other’s position as a human being and as a professional, without any consideration for either hierarchy or age. This is something that was not limited to company where I was working at that point in time. This is all pervasive at all times and at all places.

While I appreciate the fact that most bosses are unfair, peers incompetent and subordinates and juniors are without the fire and understanding that we had when we were at that level or age, there are few people who stand out. These are the people who are firm with their subordinates, but still trusted and respected. They will joke and laugh with them, drink and have fun, be a part of the gang and still put their foot down when required. Not only this, they always have the guts and knack to do the same with their superiors. They will be courteous but show their disagreement if required. They will still be respected for their conduct and professionalism by their superiors even if they don’t surrender to their dictates. There are some other people also who stand out. These are the people who are always polite, respectful and more often than not requesting for favours from everybody around them, subordinates, peers and superiors. These are well meaning and knowledgeable people also. But are neither respected nor trusted by anyone. They will do everything possible to keep their superiors happy by agreeing to all their wishes, which become a command for them. Superiors will command and get their work done. But they will never trust and never speak as equal. They will hear everything such people have to say, but never give their opinion or open up with them.

These situations are equally common in our personal lives. Right from our childhood haven’t we seen some people who are forever commanding others and some people always asking for guidance and directions from others irrespective of age? I remember my friend’s grandfather who could become a child while playing with us, becoming a part of the kids gang and trusted by all children. The same gentleman was a very firm and strict with grown-ups, but even then everyone felt comfortable speaking with him, sharing his problems and getting solutions. Examples may be many where some people just become a part of any section of the society they interact.

This now brings me to a book that we had read while we were in the business school. This was a book by Eric Berne on ‘ego states’. Basically it dealt with conflict situation arising out of mismatch in the ego states of two persons. Boss and subordinate behaving like parent-child will ensure that there are no conflicts as the book says and rightly so. But is it desirable? Would it give good results all the time? May be in some instances it will work, like while dealing with the labour that’s supposed to do a mechanical task and needs to be driven. But if we conduct ourselves as parent-child in a boss-subordinate situation in a white collared scenario, it won’t be good for organization, subordinate or the boss, though it’ll be able to avoid conflicts. This has to be adult-adult interaction, irrespective of hierarchical levels because that’s what allows free flow of thoughts, ensures professional respect and credibility and most suitable decisions for the organization. A subordinate who deals with his boss in parent-child relationship will be treated as a child, not as an adult. In this case he must learn to keep his intellect locked at home while coming to office and conduct as per the instructions received. Similarly, when trying to get a berth in the train can we get a ticket more easily by behaving as child-parent or as adult-adult? Chances are that we will get our way through more often than not if we conduct ourselves as an adult to an adult. Even in a situation of student and professor which by default relationship is child-parent, it has to progressively move to adult-adult, because parent-child situation presupposes professor to be right and know-all and student to accept everything what he says without batting an eyelid. It doesn’t work in modern environment. It doesn’t generate debate. It doesn’t generate innovation. It doesn’t ensure progress.

My Little Thought Of Life in this context is that it is essential we are aware of the plane at which we need to interact with others in different roles to get the results that we desire. If we want our superior to respect us as a professional and as a human being, we need to deal with him in adult-adult situation and talk to him by looking in his eyes, with confidence. Parent-child situation may be rewarding sometime, if you are obsequious and ‘Yes Sir’ type, but it is not likely to make you respected in the eyes of either your boss or even your own team. Sometime we need to come down to the level of our junior colleagues and deal in child-child situation, but at most other times we need to pull them up to adult-adult interaction rather being in parent-child situation. It is far more rewarding ordinarily to conduct ourselves in adult-adult situation, which should become our default setting, with move to other situations like child-child or parent-child depending on the requirement of the situation for a short while. Objective of this understanding should not necessarily be conflict avoidance but best results for self and organization, maintaining self-respect and dignity of both the parties.

Awareness is the first step for self-improvement. Let’s become aware of the right plane at which we need to interact with other people in different roles.