Tongue Tied. Have you experienced it? It happens with all of us in varied degrees, more with some, less with some. But we all have faced it sometime or the other.
Want to express something when the emotions are charged? First the voice doesn’t come out and when it eventually comes out either it is too loud or uneven or we are stammering.
I’ll narrate here some situations:
Monu was studying in a public school having a strong culture of giving home work and punishments for not doing the same. Particularly there were this maths teacher, Mishra Sir, who was a very good teacher but very strict. He expected all his students to be upto date with their work. Absence of completing the homework could mean a humiliation in front of the entire class and may be, standing outside the class. One day when Monu came to school he was trebling with fear. He had not been able to complete the homework. Little child was very upset. Last night his small sister, just 3 years old, was suffering with high fever and in their small one bedroom house he and his parents were busy taking care of her. In fact, by around 11 pm his parents had to rush her to the hospital. He himself, still being a child, went along with them. He couldn’t sleep the entire night and also had nothing to eat. He was sent to school by his parents so that they could take case of the little one better for few hours. In this situation Mishra Sir asked him:
Situation 1:
Sir – Monu, where is your homework?
Monu – Kept quite….
Sir – Monu, I’m asking you. Why are you not replying??
Monu – Sorry Sir (in a feeble voice)…..I couldn’t complete it.
Sir – Get out of my class you fool. You know that my homework must be completed or else I get angry..
Monu, on the verge of tears, lump in his throat, eyes red due to tears & lack of sleep starts shivering and eventually falls down… for next many days he was only thinking why he couldn’t tell Mishra Sir the truth. More than the punishment, he was angry with himself at his inability to speak out.
Situation 2:
Sir – Monu, where is your homework?
Monu – Kept quite…but was fuming inside due to hunger, lack of sleep and illness of his dear sister.
Sir – Monu, I’m asking you. I’m not speaking to a tree. Why don’t you speak? Have you lost your speech?
Monu – Unable to control himself, he shouted. Sir I have my voice with me and now let the entire class listen to me. You are not speaking to a tree. I was just trying not to reply back to you. But since you think I have deliberately not done my homework, let me tell you that I’m also a human being, I can also have reasons for not being able to do my homework one day. But why would you understand? You are just a devil incarnate, born to trouble the students.
Mishra Sir was stunned. In his entire teaching career nobody had ever replied back. He complained to the Principal, father was summoned and Monu was given a warning…
Situation 3:
Sir – Monu, where is your homework?
Monu – In a calm voice. Sir, I’m sorry I have not done it today. But the reason is that my little sister was not well and had to be rushed to the hospital last night. I was also with her. I have not even slept properly or eaten my food. I promise that I’ll finish the pending work within this week. I seek forgiveness today.
Sir – Oh! Why have you come to school today child? He came close to Monu, patted his back and said, you come to the staff room during lunch and have food with me. And how’s your sister now?
In this situation, Monu had so many alternatives. But due to some unknown fear he became tongue tied with consequences. Even when he spoke in the second case, his pent up feelings came out with disastrous results. But a quiet, simple, firm assertion did the job.
This may be a very simple example. But as we grow old such situations keep arising out in our lives on a daily basis. Both in personal and professional situations. More the interaction with people, more such situations. Some people seem to be ‘cool’ to any provocation and ride out of the situations well and some keep fuming, fretting, raising blood pressure and destroying the environment around them. Let me enumerate few more situations from our day to day lives to show how being able to ‘assert’ can lead to more manageable outcome.
Rahul and Priyanka had their second wedding anniversary today. Both were very happy and planned a candle light dinner in one the city’s finest restaurants. Priyanka had chosen the dress carefully for her and even Rahul. Everything was planned to the last detail, table was booked and restaurant given the right instructions. But suddenly in the office Rahul’s boss’s boss decided to come for a review and everybody was expected to be present. This review was supposed to continue till late in the evening followed by cocktails and dinner at one of the city’s finest hotel. Since this was an important review, it was very essential for Rahul to be present in this event for the entire duration. He was stuck now. Not only he was himself upset by this, his bigger worry was how to tell this to Priyanka. How would she react? She was a dominating wife and wanted everything her way. Her anger was legendary. And today was their anniversary which she had planned well in advance. She was sure to blow her top.
Situation 1:
Rahul calls up Priyanka on phone to inform her.
Rahul – Hello Priyanka
Priyanka – Hello. Haan bolo
Rahul – Words couldn’t come out of his mouth and he kept quite
Priyanka – Arre, why are you keeping quite? Ab bolo naa. I have to go to parlour and get ready. Maid has still not turned up.
Rahul – Hearing that she is all set to get ready he gets more tense. Feebly he says…..I just wanted to tell you that…
Priyanka – Now don’t tell me that something important has come in the office and you’ll be late.
Rahul – Now completely tongue tied, words coming out from his mouth in mono syllables, say yes…sorry honey…we will make it up tomorrow….forgive me for today..
Priyanka – This is how you are. If you couldn’t spare time for me even on our anniversary why did you marry me? All you men are the same. I know you will go to some five star hotel to have a party. It’s only for my consumption that you have an important meeting. Actually you want to have fun with office friends. But when you return you won’t find me here. I’m taking the next flight out and going to my parents. At least they care for me.
Discourse continues on the phone till Rahul decides to disconnect…
Situation – 2
Rahul was getting irritated. On one hand his evening was spoilt by his bosses and on the other hand he was worried about how to handle Priyanka. In such a situation he calls up:
Rahul – Irritated and angry. Priyanka, I have a bad news. We have to cancel our plan for the evening.
Priyanka – But what happened? You know today’s our anniversary and I’ve got ready also.
Rahul – Don’t you think I’m also aware of the same? You married me only. But there must be some valid reason why I’m doing it. Why do you always make a fuss for small things? We will go for dinner tomorrow instead of today. How does it make a difference?
Priyanka – But our anniversary is today. Why don’t you understand? Even if we go out for dinner rest 364 days of the year it won’t be our anniversary.
Rahul – Now don’t tell me all that. I have an important meeting today which I have to attend. Learn to appreciate the realities of life. We will go tomorrow for dinner. And now my boss is calling me. Don’t bother me by sending messages or calling again. I’ll be late in coming home and will have dinner with my colleagues.
Priyanka – Bangs the phone down, starts crying loudly and packing her bags…
Situation 3:
Rahul – Hello Priyanka
Priyanka – Hi. Have you finished your work? When are you coming home? I’ve got ready also. And don’t forget to get a bouquet for me on the way.
Rahul – Priyanka dear, there’s a situation in our office today. My boss’s boss has come suddenly and wants a detailed review of operations. This will extend late into evening. How would it be that we celebrate our evening over the week end when there is no pressure of work?
Priyanka – This is not done. You were always aware of the anniversary. You had told your boss also. This is not acceptable.
Rahul – I understand your emotions. After all, the anniversary is for both of us. But sometime things go out of our control. We’ll have a better evening than today also honey. Bye now, I’m being summoned. He gently disconnects and starts focusing on work.
Priyanka, meanwhile, is very upset and angry. She changes into her night gown and throws her new dress on in the corner. Starts crying and dozes off while crying. When she wakes up it is already 10 pm. She reflects on the evening, remembers Rahul fondly and starts smiling thinking of the day two years ago when they got married.
In both these stories, within the same situation a cool and composed response, a firm assertion, gave better results than either being tongue tied or raising the voice. This situation repeats ad nauseam in the work environment where we spend most productive time of the day.
At office normally we have three predominant relationships. Superiors, subordinates and peers. We interact with them in multiple situations. One on one discussions, group meetings, reviews of target and achievements, asking for support, demanding action etc. We also have many kinds of people. One who generally keep quite, say yes Sir and keep busy in work. Some who create more noise than what they deliver whether in personal interactions or in group meetings. Some bosses are always shouting and threatening the team members, some are extra lenient with no control. These combinations are endless.
But in all three relationships, in any of the roles, a confident assertion is respected and appreciated. Even if you are in wrong. So if you are falling short of targets, it is better to say confidently and firmly that ‘Sir, I’m aware targets are underachieved. While there is no excuse, there were circumstances beyond our control but we have road map ready to complete the same in remaining months’. By saying this you not only de-fang the boss but also give him confidence that you are aware and correcting the situation in a mature way. This way the meeting and interaction will end on a positive note without any rancour and bitterness.
Similarly, there’s always a possibility that sometime the boss makes unreasonable demands, whether related to doing personal work, or asking to work over the weekends without any real requirement etc. In all these situations it is better to again assert yourself, tell him what do you think about the situation and tell him square and fair that certain things are not acceptable. While you are willing to do the job, even over the week ends if required, you will not come to office on holidays unless it is absolutely essential. Also, at the cost of displeasing him at that moment it is better to tell him what is realistically possible and what is not rather than accepting an unreasonable target and telling at the last moment that it was not achievable.
A clear assertion in both the situations will allow the dignity of both parties to be maintained, with minimal friction between the two. Over a period of time a healthy respect will start developing between the parties. It may not be possible to avoid conflict situation completely, but is possible to ensure that the conflict stays within manageable limits.
Often as subordinates we feel that if we say anything that displeases the boss we will be penalized. While it may be true in some cases, in majority of the cases today bosses like subordinates who speak their mind, give fair and professional view of the situation and leave the final decision to the boss. After all as boss he has the right and responsibility to take the final decision. But letting your perspective known will make you feel that you have been heard, you have made your stand clear and now it is beyond your pay cheque to ensure it is accepted. Unpleasant consequences of not following your views will now be owned by the boss only. Same is the case with bosses. Instead of raising voice every now and then, it is better to lay down the expectations clearly on paper and ensure people come up to them. For subordinates who fall behind, it is better to give timely reminders with a firm voice and inform them about the consequences. Though sometime it may be necessary, frequent raising of voice or on the contrary keeping the views in heart to be acted upon at the time of annual appraisals is neither good for the relationship nor the organization. Course correction is a continuous process.
Normally, we get tongue tied when we fear that making our views known will have some adverse consequences for us. This makes us suffer within ourselves that we didn’t speak at the right time. Not only that, it doesn’t ensure peace even then also since the other person starts thinking that you have no view and voice, starts dominating and imposing his views on you. Asserting and making your stand clear will ensure self-respect for yourself and also result in you not getting completely steamrolled. I remember many years ago when I used to be tongue tied in front of a dominating and partial boss, a colleague and friend telling me, ‘Sanjay, tu ghabrata kyun hai? Agar teri naukri jani hogi to waise bhi jayegi, lekin apni baat bolna to seekh. Tu bol kar dekh, tera kuch nahi bigdega’. I’ll always remember these golden words of this friend of mine. Eventually, it was my boss who was kicked out. But in the process I suffered a lot mentally, in annual appraisals and in career growth. Then a well-meaning boss in later years told me that ‘Sanjay, you have everything in you, but you don’t speak and assert yourself. There is a limit to which I can project you, but beyond that you have to learn to make your stand known. Learn to Assert’. I shall forever be grateful to these people who gave this advice to me. I can only tell them that I’ve learnt, though many years too late.
Similarly, a conduct when you impose yourself all the time on the other person, without allowing him to have his say or riding completely rough shod on him will create bitterness. It may not reflect immediately, but it will have adverse consequences in future, in terms of either the subordinate leaving or complaining against you to your boss or even one day insulting and humiliating you in presence of others. As a boss, it is again advisable to assert yourself firmly with subordinates rather than raising your voice frequently. I have seen many bosses in my professional life who are of this category but eventually they get exposed and stop growing beyond a level.
My little thought of life in this context is that one must inculcate the habit within himself to be able to assert. These are habits that take a long time to develop. And no school or college or training programme tells you about it. There may be many topics of training like, motivation, leadership, conflict management, confidence building, team management etc that revolve around similar kind of issues, but not one tells that key to all this is the ability to assert, without being fearful of consequences. I therefore feel that not only it is our duty to consciously practice the same but keep telling youngsters, subordinates, children to inculcate this habit. A person who knows how to assert himself, without lowering his own dignity or of the others, wins far more often than losing and carries no pent up anger within himself or creates it in others.